Some Days Are Like This. . . How Do You Handle Them?

For many years I’ve been on medication for clinical depression. I fought against ever getting on medication because I felt that there was nothing that God and I couldn’t handle together. Then, I met a very wise doctor, who reminded me that perhaps God had given the knowledge of what could help – just for me. That my husband and daughters deserved me to be the best I could be – Take the medication. And so I have for 20+ years, and most of the time, it just cuts the edge off, and with God’s help, I can pull myself “up by my bootstraps” and carry on. Yet, there are times when I feel immense sadness. I can’t stop crying. My head hurts. I eat too much, even when I know that it will probably make me sick, and I just want to check out of everything and sleep. What’s the cause? Stress? Anxiety? Worry? I don’t know. How long will I “spiral down?” I don’t know. What will make me feel better? I don’t know. Yet, here I sit at 11:00 am, still in my pajamas, drinking coffee and trying to figure out what is the least that I can do today. If you looked at me, I would cry – so I won’t be going anywhere. Rosie, on the other hand, is being held, loved on – she’s not leaving my side. She knows. I hate days like this.

Of course, I’m not alone in dealing with depression. Elijah felt that he was alone and just wanted to die (I Kings 19:4), but God had other plans. Job lamented, “I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came” (Job 3:26); “Why died I not from the womb? why did I not give up the ghost when I came out of the belly?” (Job 3:11). The weeping prophet, Jeremiah dealt with loneliness and despair, and he said, “Cursed be the day wherein I was born: let not the day wherein my mother bare me be blessed” (Jeremiah 20:14). “Wherefore came I forth out of the womb to see labor and sorrow, that my days should be consumed with shame?” (Jeremiah 20:18). Of course, David “cried unto the Lord with my voice out of His holy hill. I laid me down and slept. (Psalm 3:4). He described nights when “I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears” (Psalm 6:6) Have you cried yourself to sleep? David, the man after God’s own heart did.

So what do I do on this “blue day?” I’m going to take care of myself. I’m going to eat good food. I’m going to get on the treadmill. I’m going to go sit on the deck in the sunshine and count my blessings. “Weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Psalm 30:5). I truly believe that God allows us to be put on our backs, so that we have to look up, for we are simply blessed, Courtney